I’m the church’s bookkeeper. I don’t sign checks. I just track everything.

I probably shouldn’t be the church’s bookkeeper. But nobody else in this little church we’re going to would do it.

It’s one of those cases where there really isn’t anyone else who’s really capable of it.

Sure, most of them have their own checking accounts. And yes, it’s pretty basic double entry accounting. But tracking 175 account lines in four separately designated funds and payroll for five employees, one of which is clergy, is more than any of them want to handle.

As the bookkeeper I attend the council meetings to tell them about their money. I keep telling them that someone else needs to learn to do this stuff. They have no interest in learning it. They just don’t.

Last month, I said that the Treasurer (the guy who actually signs the checks) ought to be able to present the information.

He said, “No thank you. You’re doing just fine.”

That’s when I said, “You know, if I ever get hit by a bus, you all are going to be totally screwed.”

They all nodded. “Don’t go near any busses,” they said.

As I left the meeting, they said, “Don’t worry. If you get hit by a bus, we’ll come and do CPR.”

“Thanks,” I said.

The next day, Brooke said, “Did that really happen? Did you really use the word screwed in a church meeting?”

“Yes,” I said. “It really happened. I really did.”

“You probably shouldn’t say things like that at church meetings,” she said.

“Maybe not,” I said. “But I only said it because it’s true. They really will be screwed.”

“I know,” she said. “And they know.”