“Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.”
— From a list of “Actual Quotes from English Exam Essays” (which may, of course, be apocryphal, possibly from Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Garrison Keillor, or a Washington Post humor contest.)

Last week I was getting myself some lunch.

I turned on the stove and opened a can of tomato soup. (Lame. I know.)

I stood there for 15 minutes stirring it.

I could feel heat coming from the stove, but after all that time, the soup didn’t seem to be getting any warmer.

I tasted it.

Stone cold.

I had turned on the wrong burner.

The next day I was making popcorn. (On the stove.)

I put some butter in the microwave. The popcorn finished popping.

I opened the microwave to get the melted butter. Only the butter was still in a big chunk in the bowl.

I’d forgotten to push “Start.”